Anxiety is characterized as living in the future. Living in the present or mindfulness is the enemy when my anxiety is on 10! I could try to count 100 things in the room, do deep breathing techniques, and so on as suggested by therapists, but when you are in a full on panic attack none of that will work for me. I have a strong need to be in control of everything at home, at work, and so on but Anxiety most certainly has shown me who is the boss on multiple occasions.
I have had to run out of board meetings in a fit of panic because I felt as if my heart is about to jump out of my chest. How professional is that? You can imagine the looks I got when I walked back into that meeting! I have driven all across this country multiple times alone as well as with car full of kids. Who would think that there are days that I am afraid to drive down the street alone because of the fear that something will go wrong, I will miss a turn, get lost, someone will hit my car, and so much more. There were times that I needed several items from the store. Last week I said I would go on Wednesday. Wednesday came and went I still need those items. Sometimes I have this paralyzing fear of crowds and can’t even make it to the door of the store let alone go inside. I started planning my shopping trips either late at night or early in the morning. At all cost or unless desperate never go in the weekend, first of the month, or end of the month due to my anxiety!
I don’t know when this happened. Again I use to have so much control over my feelings, thoughts, emotions, hell of me! It seems that Anxiety has always been there laying dormant. I have never allowed myself to be vulnerable due to me feeling the need to protect myself after the abuse I suffered as a child. I constantly wore a mask hell often times I still do. I have the face, dress the part, speak intelligent enough to fool everyone. One day I was unable to keep it together everything in my head was flowing out of my mouth in front of the wrong audience mind you. My fears were no longer a secrete because I could no longer hide them. This of course made and is still making me more anxious.
I need to continue to keep it together and play the part everyone knows me to play right? Hell No!! After many weeks and months of therapy I now know that although it was easy to fool everyone else if I was going to get any better at managing my anxiety I had to be honest with myself and call a thing a thing. Anxiety has for a long time made me its bitch. I am working extremely hard to change who the bitch is in this relationship.
For all those suffering with Anxiety try to get through your day one second at a time and I will try to do the same.